Maybe I'm powerless over my lust and it has become unmanageable. I don't think it's had a significant effect on my life. I say that and yesterday I wrote all about my most shameful moments which are pretty much due to my sexuality and lascivious nature. I shouldn't say "lascivious" though, because that's actually associated with like, immoral sexual nature, and I'm trying to stay away from being ashamed of myself.

Yesterday I let myself look. I though I could just scroll through some naked photos and gifs of people, download a couple videos off PornHub for my collection and move on. Of course I couldn't though, so I told myself I'd keep my distance from porn because clearly one thing just leads to another, and I end up masturbating. Not that any of that is a bad thing, I've just been trying to practice self-restraint. 

I used to masturbate every single day without fail, often twice a day, once in a while three times, and a couple times a year more than that. It was so not to look at naked pictures and scroll through a few porn videos. I just love it. Mainly beautiful women, but also a couple dudes, and I love trans/femboy type porn. I realize though that it was only as good as it was because of how long I'd gone without indulging.

I get really bad blue balls, or at least I used to, when I go for more than two days without climaxing. Recently, however, I went like five days without masturbating, and I was fine. Part of that is not teasing or tempting myself, which is what I'm trying to do now.

I had a little slip up this morning. I popped on twitter to see some posts from the accounts I follow, and well, the accounts I follow mainly post according to one predictable theme, so I had a little slip up. I've just got to stay away from it.

I'm toying with the idea of giving myself a little reward system. I learned that I love nudie magazines. You know, High Society, Hustler, etc. Just like physical porn, and not just nude pictures of women but like lewd acts and stuff. So maybe if I do some good stuff I'll allow myself to buy one. We'll see. I'll update on my progress.

​

Anyways, today we discuss step one. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

I think my effort at change, at improvement, signifies my acceptance that my life has become unmanageable. Every time I reach out for help I accept that my life has become unmanageable. And yet, I don't feel I truly and completely believe in this statement as it applies to me. I can manage a lot of things. I can manage my exercise, my food intake, my sleep schedule. Certainly parts of my life have become unmanageable. Mainly my emotional I can be powerless to. I guess that's what it needs to mean for me. I'm powerless over my emotions. 

I've always been told in my family that I'm overly sensitive. I've heard that from others about themselves, and they say that that is a sign of disfunction. They say that if your family calls you overly sensitive then your family is disfunctional. I think that's boundaries. I've never really known what boundaries were until this year I think, maybe just this summer in fact. 

I remember in middle school, fuck middle school—quick sidenote to any middle schoolers reading this, middle school is fucked, middle schoolers are fucked, and there's pretty much no way out of it because you're fucked too, but you just have to hold on, laugh it, pretend it doesn't hurt, and get knew friends in high school that you set clear boundaries with. Sorry that's not a nice answer, but I think you kind of have to just butch up and take it one day at a time. Anyways, in middle school kids used to take my hat and throw it around and I would get so mad and run after them trying to get it back and I would yell at them and call them names and my face would get red and they'd say I was salty. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings about this, and typically I blamed myself, I think, for getting mad. I blamed myself for being the kind of person that people felt they could disrespect, and the fact that they laughed at my anger just proved to me that I had cultivated in myself a personality that didn't warrant other people's respect. (Wow, I think I articulated that really well. I never knew that about myself until I just said it.) Looking back, that's crazy. No body cultivates a personality that doesn't deserve other people's respect. That's just not respect. Maybe replace "respect" with "respect one's authority," and that statement could be true. "Obama cultivated a persona that warranted people respect his authority." Something like that. Understand?

Anyways, that is others' violating my boundaries. I was a less evolved human then—duh, it's fucking middle school—so yes, maybe my efforts in setting boundaries were imperfect, unclear... whatever, that's not the point. Surely my efforts at establishing boundaries of respect were shit, but the fact that I clearly did have a boundary and that I had people who I called friends violating those boundaries was not something I should ever blame myself for. There are many things I can take responsibility for. The way I reacted, for one, but I have no control over other people's actions and their efforts to violate my boundaries. I can try to change the situation—which I did try, but suffered greatly through my efforts due to my resistance to the situation—I could leave the situation, or I could simply accept the situation. Of course, one must always begin with acceptance. If I had accepted the situation rather than immediately resisting it, I could have considered some possible solutions, ways of resolving the situation in my favor, or I could have simply chosen to walk away. These things did not seem, however, options on the time due to my impulsive resistance, therefore, I acted unconciously and could not have been expected to act in an intelligent, kind, and effective mode.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And Wisdom to know the difference.

​

In the news today, the sections of East River Park south of the Williamsburg bridge are set to open on the 5th. It looks very nice, and I suggest everyone go down to see it.

In weather, yesterday it was overcast in the morning, and I was very ready and excited for rain, unfortunately none came. Today, it's really nice out, again, which is good I guess, but sometimes you need a rainy day.

​

Thanks for reading today. This was actually really illuminating for me—this excavation. Stay safe rats!